Just 3 things

This is copied directly from an email I sent my friend who is living in an Islamic country right now, so certain words are censored. I trust that you can figure them out, however. I am in a rather melancholy mood tonight, that may explain why I speak so frankly of my loneliness.

There are three things I am thinking and prying about in my life, and would appreciate your support. First, my ebook reader broke today (wait before you judge me as a "selfish brother," haha). Since you've been out of the States for a while and these things are new, I'll explain what they are, but I hope I don't insult your intelligence. An ebook reader is just a device to read electronic books, but the screen isn't like an LCD; it has no backlight and doesn't hurt your eyes. Anyway, it cost about $275, and it broke while in my pocket (i.e. I have no idea how it happened). I was seriously depressed by that because that's my library, I have access to hundreds of books on that thing, and I love reading. Well, through this I've realized that I am allowing technology to fill the void of friends in my life. I'm hiding in my various technological gadgets to fill time because I have basically no friends to spend that time with. My desire is that I would either find a close (both physically and spiritually) friend, or that I would let Him fill that desire. I pry more for the first because, though I know He should satisfy us, I deeply want and need friends, I don't think that is an evil thing. I still feel so lonely in this country.

I love being with others and sharing life with others. If I can't share my experiences with others, I feel they are almost useless. Since I basically have no friends I can share my experiences with in Korea, and I'm beginning to lose hope of finding one, I've begun to try to think differently, and to wonder how the mind of a person who desires a solitary life works. I've come to a conclusion that a solitary person shares their experiences with themselves, and it is this mind that I wish to have, if I can't have friends. Perhaps this is filling my desire with myself, instead of Him or others, I don't know, and I don't know if this is an evil desire, I only know there are 3 things that may be able to stop this pain in my life: find a close friend, learn to share life with myself, or find satisfaction in Him. I can't do this first, and I don't know how to do the last two.

Lastly, I feel I have failed Him in a very real way. I was asked by a friend, in a very natural way during the course of a very natural conversation, why I was a brother. I am afraid I may have failed in answering that question. I said that it makes me different, it changes my desires (of course fleshed out a little more, but that's the gist of it), but that seems very insufficient to me and a poor summary of what we have in Him.

I had a dream that two people challenged the existence of our Father, wanted me to show them proof, irrefutable proof. I said we would go to a mountain and each of us pry, and whoever's pryer brought down fire, his gd was real. I did not say this in a challenging way, a haughty or prideful way, but in a matter-of-fact way.

The next thing I remember in the dream is me near the top of the mountain, and I have the feeling that I was in a green room, perhaps the green room to the top of this mountain, preparing for something. I knew that I doubted what would happen, I did not believe anything would happen when I pryed, I felt as though I was prying one of those "please do this, but if you don't then it's ok" pryers, so wishy-washy and substanceless. I then cried to Him "I believe, but help my unbelief!" I walked to the top of the mountain and told the two people (who were waiting) that a mere spark that ignites the mountaintop is not enough, but that there must be no doubting it when it happens. I knew He would prove Himself, but I also knew that the fire He would send would consume me as well, as judgment. Then I awoke.

I'm fairly certain that dream is connected to me failing to satisfactorily answering my friends question. However, like your desire to study and spend time with your mother, rather than merely passing the test, my words may have hit a target unsearched for and unknown, and that is my pryer. It is only with that hope that I can stop judging myself.