The Nature of Trust, Fear, and Relationships

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I guess it started while I was thinking about the employer-employee relationship: particularly the fear they may inspire (in a bad way). I am not talking about any unnatural, horror kind of fear, just the usual fear that accompanies the feeling of guilt that one has broken a rule, knowingly or unknowingly, or the simple fear of punishment, just or unjust.

Logically, I have nothing to fear from my employer. If I were to do something deserving termination, I could get a job probably the next day at another academy down the road, or even next door. If I were to break one of their rules that I feel doesn't apply to me, then why should I feel guilty, or fearful? I live by my own sets of rules, and within the realm of teaching my #1 rule is "what is best for my students." If I were to break one of their rules but remain within the boundaries of my own rules, then I should have nothing to logically fear. If I were to break my own rules, regardless of breaking theirs, I should feel a sense of regret and a desire to change it or fix it, without any outside "inspiration." Without exhausting all the possibilities, and the patience of everyone reading this, I've come to the conclusion that the fear of punishment or guilt has little to nothing to do with (my) fear experienced at the hands of an employer.

I then began to wonder about the fear we experience even in our familiar relationships. One may fear being insulted (knowingly or unknowingly) by a friend, or being rejected by acquaintances, or the fear of being misunderstood, or any number of fears. Punishment in this case is encapsulated in the act that one fears, namely the rejection, or the insult. Here it seems a very direct connection between fear and punishment.

But then I began to ponder about non-friends and the fear, or lack therof, they may inspire in us. It is almost certain that if your spouse were to call you a whore you would be offended in the utmost, but if a whore passing on the street were to call you a whore, you would likely laugh at him/her. Here there is no fear of punishment from a non-friend, except for a physical punishment (i.e. a good ole fashion beating), likely unjustly delivered. No man walks around with this constant fear from every non-friend, and if he does he lives in a straight jacket.

So the difference is only our relationship with the person, and there lies the rub. What is the nature of relationships, familiar or otherwise, that allows another person to hold sway over our emotions? I suppose the flip side of fear is trust, because to imagine fully trusting someone, and not being offended at their insult, or being offended at someone's insult but trusting them not at all, is difficult, if not impossible. And trust is freely given, freely received. Ergo, as we give our trust we also give the other person the ability to cause us pain.

For many, this is summed up in the cliche: "you always hurt the most those you love," and it's converse, "the ones you love always hurt you the most." But is it possible to give trust and yet remain free from fear and pain? This is what I have been wrestling with, and I find it's a difficult line to walk. On one side is the loner who has closed everyone else off from himself, and on the other is the one who is offended by every slight. Some may refer to the latter as insecure, sycophantic, obnoxious. Either extreme is undesirable, but so is the pain that comes with relationships.

I'm sure many of you are reading nothing new, and some of you may even wonder why I would waste time to type something that is so obvious. But for me, the "Aha!" moment came when everything tied together: that fear/pain and trust are two sides of the same dollar bill: that we needn't give our trust and allow ourselves to be hurt: that to do otherwise is to lead a lonely life: that a median may exist: that we mustn't give our trust to those who don't deserve it: that some do deserve our trust, and to withhold it would be detrimental.